Baby Tips for Dads

Simon Brett

Copyright © Simon Brett 2004
Illustrations by Alex Hallatt
The right of Simon Brett to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publisher.
Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK
www.summersdale.com
Printed and bound in Great Britain
ISBN 1 84024 392 9

Contents

Introduction
How to Play the Perfect Partner
Daddy Do’s and Don’ts
Baby Proverbs for New Dads
Glossary of Useful Terms for New Dads

Introduction
So there it is – your very own little baby. You are a Dad. What a wonderful achievement! Granted, your partner may have made a greater contribution to the whole process, but your input was at least as important as hers – and a lot more fun.
So how are you going to cope with this new presence in your household? No amount of antenatal classes or concentrated reading of childcare manuals can prepare you for the reality of a baby. This little book, however, will give you some useful tips on how to face the challenges ahead.

How to Play the
Perfect Partner

Things to say to your partner after she’s had a baby:

You’ve done enough by having the baby – I’ll do everything else. (It’s a very tactful wheeze to say this. Doing it is a different matter entirely.)

I really think you look thinner since you’ve had the baby.

I’ll be happy to babysit whenever you want to go out for a girlie night with your friends.

You need your sleep. I’ll go into the spare room next to the nursery, and I’ll get up if the baby wakes in the night.

Don’t worry about me – we’ll get our sex-life back on track when you feel like it. No hurry.

We’ll get an au pair.

Things not to say to your partner after she’s had a baby:

Ooh look – a stretch-mark!

Phew, look at that woman over there – her stomach’s like an ironing board.

The baby’s birth was relatively easy.

I don’t think you’ve got very much fatter.

You always did have good child-bearing hips.

She’s not with me (said when your partner starts breast-feeding in public).

No one expects a woman’s breasts
to be quite so firm and pert after
she’s had a baby.

And don’t say this one at any time:

You are getting to look more and more like your mother.

Signs your partner is spending
too much time with the baby:

She pours your just-back-from-work Scotch into a sucky cup.

She puts a bib on you before serving your dinner.

She cuts up the food of the person next to her at a dinner party.

Always agree:

When your partner says your baby
is prettier/more intelligent/more
advanced than anyone else’s baby.

That your baby looks exactly like
whichever relative happens to be in
the room at any given moment.

With your mother-in-law. Well, at least try! Unless of course you’re in the room when your partner and mother-in-law are discussing childcare and want you to take sides. In that case, go down the pub.

With your partner’s views on childcare (so long as they don’t involve you doing too much).

Daddy Do’s and Don’ts
Under no circumstances be heard to say any of the following (you’ll regret it if you do):

The baby’s going to have to fit into our routine.

I will never allow any baby of mine to... (Fill in the blank. Whatever you say, of course you will.)

The baby’s never been carsick.

We’ve been very lucky with the baby sleeping through the night.

We’re certainly not going to let having a baby affect our sex life.

I don’t know why people make such a big deal about having a baby.

Try to see things from your baby’s point of view. Then you will understand that:

The sole purpose of your eyes is to have fingers poked into them.

The sole purpose of your hair is to have babyfood mashed into it.

The sole purpose of your clothes is to be puked over.

Your baby regards it as a solemn duty to stop you from doing any of the following:

Forgetting for a moment that you have a baby.

Getting its clothes on.

Getting its nappy on.

Having a social life.

Having a sex life.

Sleeping.

Baby Proverbs for
New Dads

What you lose on the swings you lose on the roundabouts – you have to keep on pushing on both of them.

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

A bad father blames his tool.

The early baby catches
the worm... and then eats it.

People who live in glass
houses with babies have
very smeary windows.

One hour’s sleep before midnight
is all a parent’s likely to get.

You can take a baby to the sucky
cup, but you cannot make it drink.

It’s an ill wind that needs
the most burping.

Two’s company, then you
have a baby.

Where’s there’s a will, there’s
frequently a rather interesting
choice of baby’s name.

Glossary of Useful
Terms for New Dads

ALLERGY: That which distinguishes
the spots of middle-class children
from those of lower-class children.

BURPING: An activity passionately encouraged in children until they are weaned, and thereafter equally passionately discouraged.

COITUS INTERRUPTUS: The effect of children’s Sunday morning television programmes finishing earlier than the parents thought.

CONSTIPATION: A no-go
situation. cf. DIARRHOEA: An
ongoing situation.

CONTRACTION: One of the first signs of a baby’s arrival. The most notable are contraction of space, social life and spare cash.

FAMILY PLANNING: Keeping
rival grandparents apart.

HEREDITY: The uncanny reappearance in children of all the good characteristics of one’s own family and all the bad characteristics of one’s in-laws.

IRON: A great help to the wellbeing of the pregnant and nursing mother. cf. IRONING: No help at all to the well-being of the pregnant and nursing mother.

SUPPLEMENTARY FEEDING: Baby’s habit of coming into parents’ bed on Sunday mornings and eating the newspapers.

SLEEPING LIKE A BABY: Snorting, snuffling, grunting, farting and waking every two minutes to scream.

And remember...
A baby is yours until it leaves home, but your partner’s stretch-marks are forever.