Baby Tips for Mums

Simon Brett

Copyright © Simon Brett, 2005

The right of Simon Brett to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Condition of Sale This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher.

Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK

www.summersdale.com

Printed and bound in Great Britain

ISBN 1 84024 528 X

Contents

Introduction

Mum’s the Word

Daddy Dearest

Mummy Training

The New Mum’s Dictionary

Introduction

Well, there you are. You’ve put in all that hard work. You’ve spent nine months producing what is undoubtedly the most beautiful and intelligent baby in the world, and you’d have thought the one thing you really deserve now is a nice long rest. The trouble is, that’s not the way the baby sees things. Nor frequently is it the way your partner or other family members will see things. So, to help you survive what is going to be an unfairly busy stage of your life, here are a few tips…

Mum’s the Word

In the early weeks a New Mum must prepare herself for a lot of screaming and tantrums – and that’s just from her partner.

The relationship between a New Mum and her Baby is a power struggle… and you may as well face the fact straight away – the Baby’s going to win.

When breastfeeding, don’t think of yourself as a canteen. Thinking of yourself as a gourmet restaurant is much better for your self-esteem.

With Babies, everything ends in

tears… from one or other of you.

Getting your figure back after you’ve had your Baby is an admirable ambition, but then so is world peace… and finding an NHS dentist… and pigs flying…

When a Baby is being dressed, either it seems to develop one more limb or the garment seems to develop one less hole.

The night after you said your

Baby slept through the night for

the first time, it won’t.

For the convenience of Parents, Baby Buggies fold. For the inconvenience of Parents, Babies don’t.

You must never say that your Baby is prettier/better-natured/more intelligent than anyone else’s… even though it’s obviously true.

However much you would like it

to be, a Baby will never be

a matching accessory.

You can always recognise a New Mum by:

The deep hollows under her eyes.

The encrustation of puke

over her shoulder.

The fact that she’s still in her

dressing gown at lunchtime.

The lingering aroma

of sterilising fluid.

Her inability to sustain adult

conversation.

The disappointed, neglected look

in her partner’s eyes.

Daddy Dearest

He offers to look after the Baby while you go off for a girlie weekend with your friends. (Oh yes?)

He says, ‘The Baby was crying in the night, but you looked so peacefully asleep that I sorted everything out.’ (Come on!)

He’s decided that, now he’s got the responsibility of a Baby, he’s going to give up drinking with the boys and stay at home every evening. (Let’s get back to the real world, shall we?)

Your partner should

be discouraged from:

Getting into discussions with

your mother about

A) Childcare,

B) Education,

C) Anything, really…

Wanting to dress your

Baby in any team strip.

Asking if he can take his paternity

leave in cash and keep working.

Pretending, when you’re breast-

feeding in public, that he’s with

someone else.

Thinking that ‘wetting the Baby’s

head’ should continue on a nightly

basis until after it’s finished school.

Mummy Training

For a Baby it’s a point of honour to:

Come up with an illness which doesn’t match any of the descriptions in the childcare books.

Hold back a really big Poo until

immediately after a nappy change.

Listen out for the words, ‘I think the

Baby’s settled for the night now,’

and prove them wrong.

Know when its Mum really wants

to show it off and develop a nasty

facial rash just before the event.

Be prepared for your mother to say the following:

‘You think your labour was tough, but let me tell you, when I had you…’

‘I love your Baby very much, but

I don’t want to be thought of as

a free baby-sitting service.’

‘Just because you’ve had a Baby,

that’s no excuse to let yourself go.’

‘Everybody says I look far too

young to be a grandmother.’

The New Mum’s

Dictionary

ANAEMIA : This fashion for giving

Babies Victorian names is really

getting out of hand.

AU PAIR : A young woman whose presence in the house gives you time to yourself, and your partner ideas.

BABY-SITTING CIRCLE : A reciprocal arrangement whereby Parents seem to spend every night looking after other people’s children and then find nobody’s free on the one evening they want to go out.

BABY WALKER : A father at 3 a.m., having been told that ‘a few turns round the block may make the Baby settle.’

BATHTIME : A daily contest between Baby and Parent to see who can get wetter, invariably – though unwillingly – won by the Parent.

BEDTIME STORY : A childish fantasy – like, for instance, the idea that your Baby goes to bed and to sleep at the same time every night.

BREAST PADS : Equipment used

by women cricketers.

BURPING : Something you have to do for your Baby, but which your partner can manage without any help from anyone.

COMFORTER : Whatever works for you (partner, lover, Celine Dion CD, big box of chocolates, Maeve Binchy novel, Chardonnay, gin, etc.)

CONTRACEPTION, MOST

EFFECTIVE METHOD AFTER

BABY’S BIRTH : The Baby.

FEEDING TRAY : An attachment

to a High Chair, something for

a Baby to push food off.

HEARING TEST : The moment at the doctor’s when your Baby, who up until that point has been woken by the sound of a fly landing on a cushion in another room, is suddenly unable to hear a drum being hit.

INTRODUCTION OF SOLIDS :

The Baby’s discovery that Lego

bricks fit into its mouth.

LABOUR : The process of

giving birth, so called because it’s

BLOODY HARD WORK.

(cf. NEW LABOUR : The idea that, along with everything else, having a Baby will become pain-free. Or any other unfulfilled promise.)

LOOSE STOOLS : The curse of IKEA strikes again.

NAPPY RASH : All-purpose

explanation for any bad behaviour

from Baby.

OTHER MUMS : Most probably, your salvation. There’ll always be one who’s worse at the whole business than you are.

PARENTAL DISCIPLINE : When there’s a New Baby in the house, it is important to establish who’s boss. But don’t worry about it.

PROJECTILE VOMITING :

Shooting from the lip.

ROLE MODEL : Someone who

has completely got her figure

back after having a Baby.

ROLL MODEL :

A) What you look like, having completely failed to get your figure back after having a Baby.

B) The little figurine of a ROLE

STERILISATION : Procedure

recommended for dirty nappies and

dirty-minded partners.

TEETHING : All-purpose

explanation for any bad

behaviour from Baby.

TEETHING RING : A group of

Babies who all decide to whinge

at the same time.

WEANING : Getting your Baby off

the breast. Any Baby worth its salt

can make this process last for years.

WIND : All-purpose explanation for any bad behaviour from Baby.

A Final Thought…

When your Baby’s being a right little pain, and you see a sign reading ‘Baby Changing Facilities’…

Table of Contents

Cover Image

Baby Tips for Mums